Excitement

I haven't finished my exams yet so there isn't quite a cause for alarm... However, I have a truly amazing summer lined up for myself :) I plan to go to The Lakes with my girls at least once. Emma has a family cottage there and since I can now drive we thought, why not?

I'm also going to Nice with Sam and his parents. Fairly nervous about that if I'm honest but I'm sure I'll enjoy it.. We're camping in a little town near to Nice called Annot which looks beautiful so fingers crossed I'll get some nice photo's and sketches done while I'm there.

Last but not least, Sam and I are going away to Whitby camping.

Seemingly peaceful get-away but I have a feeling I may have some exciting news on my return :D but I shan't say anything about it yet ;)

All I need now is to ace my A levels an all will be right with the world... No pressure.

A boring tale of today.

Not the Saturday just gone, but the Saturday before that I ordered a blue arran jumper from H&M.. It didn't come until today would you believe! What's worse is that me and Dot (our cleaner) were both in when the postman allegedly came round with the package. So there was a note to say it would be at Hadfield post office... So I trekked all the way over to Hadfield post office for the package only to discover that they hadn't got there yet and I'd either have to come back a different day or wait 5 hours or so. I didn't want to do either but I decided to walk home a slightly different way home whilst I decided whether to go back today or tomorrow. But, as luck would have it on the way home I saw a postman and inquired as to whether he'd been to Tintwistle earlier today. He had. He remembered which number my house was and everything.. So instead of letting me go home empty handed he kindly found the package for me and sent me on my way :) For once Royal Mail are actually doing something right (hiring nice and helpful staff) For one thing this has taught me to never buy things off the H&M website because it'll take a decade to arrive, but also proven again that if you don't ask you don't get.. Glad I did ask :)

Another chapter of me.

Today I've finished all my exams for my first year of college, so as any normal person would do I came home and put the TV on... It was 'Remember Me' the second Robert Pattinson film I've seen recently other than some Twilight films. It was a real sob story& typically as I usually do - I cried! Anything to do with pain on a mass scale and I can't seem to stop my tears. But, it made me think about all the people in 9:11 who were related or connected to someone else. I know I'm not the only person in the world without a Dad, it doesn't make it any easier but at least I know I'm not alone. Today I finished my AS year and it hit me that my Dad didn't even make it to my first day of High School, he didn't even see me finish Primary... This year so much has already changed and I feel that everything I once cherished is ending.. Now and again you need a hug off of your Dad and I just happen to be one of the unlucky buggers that can't do that. I miss him. He's the only person that I feel knew me properly, and I've been searching for someone to fill that irreplaceable space, but of course I know I never will. Something else that bothers me is I know that one day my children will say, "Mum, why don't you have a Dad?" and I know I'll just instantly cry (like the emotion fool I am!) But then they will have an empty space like mine that they will never be able to fill, never having two Grandad's... I know I only had two for 5 weeks but even that's longer than what they're have.

Don't know why I'm torturing myself...

Around January/February time I received an anonymous message form someone off Tumblr... Yesterday I realised it was a hyper-link that was incorrect.
Yesterday I finally got in contact with Becky, after months of toying with the idea. From what I can gather from Ginger she wanted to speak to me as much as I wanted to talk to her.. Then I figured out the hyper-link. It was Becky's Blogger.
So, as any normal person would do I've red a shed load of posts going back to as early as June 2011. Reading them I felt sick, I wanted to cry/stab myself/hold my breath forever/hug someone... It was horrible (and that's putting it lightly!)
It's horrible because Sam does things to me, that he did to her. She mentioned listening to Adieu, kissing her forehead when she was moody; blowing raspberries when she was concious about appearance;  holding the back of her neck and playing with her hair; kissing her neck because he knows she likes it; cuddling whilst they watched films... I could go on but it really does make me want to vomit.
Is he playing me like he played her?
This is the first time in 2 and a half years I feel honestly happy, Sam's the one person besides from Bethan (who lives fucking miles away) that I feel I can be myself around and never be judged. And now, because of my stupidity we're not being given the chance to be free as a couple. Sam& I are so happy! We're only kicking ourselves that we didn't get together at fist.. Y'know, Bulls Fest 2010! Both of us were too afraid to take a leap of faith back then. And, I've messed Sam around more times than I'd like to say but somehow he still wants me.
Sam& I have liked each other since summer 2010, in all Sam's left two girls to be with me.. I'm the reason Becky even had the opportunity, I should have got with Sam WAY sooner& then everything would've been okay now.
But how can I make good on what's happened between Becky& me? When we meet on the 7th of June she's going to be faced with the person who her love left her for, and will have to face and hopefully accept that Sam is in love with me (and if I weren't too ashamed to admit it.. I love him too.)
Sam& I will be together for a long time, I know we will and if Becky wants to be friends with either of us then she'll have to face that.. I don't know if I could, so I hardly expect her to!
I'm so desperately worried about what she's going to say on the 7th of June. Will she tell me something that changes everything? I want to be with Sam but what's stopping me being completely happy is that I feel I need permission off Becky to be happy. Probably sounds stupid, but there you go.. She either in some way gives her blessing  or I never speak to her again. How could I if she hates me for being with him? Sam is so precious to me& I don't want to loose him, I know I wouldn't have the slightest of doubt, if it weren't for the things Becky could tell me....

Love My Mum.

Just happened to mention to Mum that if it weren't the fact that I'm desperate to get a car, then I'd be able to afford a studio... She's decided to turn our study into one for me this Christmas!! :D I'm soo excited.
All it took was one small conversation off-hand and now I think I might finally have a place to go& work :) free expression of originality.

Ahh, Autumn :)

What a lovely Autumn day from my bathroom window. It was a little foggy but it soon brightened up& was rather mild& pleasant all day :)

Why do things have to have a point?

I love this and I don't know why. 

There is that strange and magical moment sometimes when you look at a painting (or anything really) and all of a sudden you feel a sense of understanding and warmth; despite the incoherent, cold, harsh world there can be a moment when I actually feel at peace.